THE LESBIAN PARTNER RELATIONSHIPS

Tuesday, 17 January 2006 09:38

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THE LESBIAN PARTNER RELATIONSHIPS
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(OR: THE IMPORTANCE OF SEEKING PSYCHOLOGICAL ASSISTANCE IN BUILDING LESBIAN PARTNER RELATIONSHIPS (AND NOT ONLY WHEN IN A CRISIS))
INTRODUCTION

“The feeling of not doing anything right”, “As if I was let down, actually I’m afraid of not being attractive to her anymore”. She is angry at Her because “she always makes all the decisions in their relationship”, and She is angry with Her because “she lets Her do everything”. While laughing: “Ok, if nothing else, at least we are completely mad about each other”, “We have broken up several times and always continued again…”. “I’m tired of constant hiding, at the beginning I had agreed; now I myself am not sure what I think about it”. “Does anger belong to your relationship in the parents’ or partners’ roles?” Silence… They unanimously start talking about the beginning of their relationship.

The purpose of this article is to support women and girls lesbians to learn about partnerships instead of “coping” within some. Also, this is an attempt to demystify ‘going to therapy’ for lesbian couples, having in mind all of the numerous obstacles standing before such a step. The article deals with “The Same and the Specific” – the partner relationships’ dynamics regardless of sexual orientation and then moves on to the particularities of lesbian relationships. There are no universal truths such as “there is something  less (or more) to lesbian relationships”, i.e. there is no “exact” or absolute description of lesbian population as a homogenous group within the partner relationships’ context. On the contrary, the last description lesbians wish for or feel useful is the image of ‘a typical couple’ that usually leaves out a flexible explanation of their desires or concerns. In order to have a successful partnership with a degree of quality, it is necessary to understand the dynamics within a partnership as well as to understand what one brings in from a personal history and what it does to the dynamics. Depending on the importance of a relationship to the partners and its duration (in order to “make a fair attempt”), a working through will be done, avoiding or lessening negative repetitions and enabling the relationship to grow within different spheres, otherwise it will be disturbed and finally broken. The internalized homophobia has a particularly damaging impact in lesbian partner relationships.

LEARN ABOUT PARTNER RELATIONSHIPS

It is important to learn how to build a partner relationship. This is something that, probably, nobody has ever taught you before. Each couple undergoes the phases of Entanglement, Individuation, and Moving towards Autonomy – and each relationship can encounter certain difficulties. In such situations, the lack of seeking psychological assistance in our society is often understood as “cultural” – “we are not used to it” or it is because it brings on the stigma, so it is understandably difficult to achieve trust in psychological assistance, i.e. the therapy process. The psychological assistance offers insight into what one knows and feels. It offers a chance to assume a distance from the situation one found herself in, then one can feel the dynamics, and at the same time not lose control. The official starting with the sessions is in itself a coming out  for a lesbian couple.  Some of the initial concerns have to do with the confidentiality, trusting the counselor (where and how to find one and whether she is lesbian-friendly?) and the entire process (“Talking about it can only make things worse” or “When differences are brought out, it can escalate into a conflict, and the conflict can escalate into violence”, the lack of trust can originate from the family or some other experience) then there is an issue of choosing the counselor (“Will she understand?), “Will she be considerate for the both of us, it is important for me to be fair?”

Different problems can lead to the feeling of loneliness: from partners not being able to hear each other, not listen to each other, lacking negotiating skills in various important existential issues, had they made  “the golden rules” at the beginning of their relationship?, one of them lacks the intimacy they had before or they are facing e.g. the phenomenon of “lesbian bed death” (disappearance of physical passion). The partnership always has to do with an experience, not the factual reality, since there is no such thing. Insisting on “the objective truth” by one of the partners is just a step away from a violent relationship. Simply, You experience differently because You have a different history.

You carry your history all your life. That means all of the contents in your life until the moment  you enter present relationship. And you personally bring it in as one’s “heritage” into each relationship. The history contains both “strengths” and “damage” that inevitably come up.

A CASE STUDY

*Any possible recognition of the partners is not possible. The case summary is taken from Ms Marleen Diekmann practice, a Dutch psychotherapist – the case is described in her article “SCHEIDEN EN VERBINDEN MET “EEN TAAL ERBIJ”, 2005.

“The beginning of the relationship between A. (aged 28) and B. (36)  was intensive. They have lived together for five years and are no longer  very happy. A. is feeling B. is too much oriented to sex. This is the reason for her not to feel safe and loved, so she blocks when they are about to make love. B. is complaining she needs constant adaptation for A., that she has to put up with her moods, solve her problems and stand up for her partner at all times. She perceives their relationship as a breathtaking one which brings anxiety. In the sessions that followed, there was a fragment of disclosure that A. as a little girl had been abused by her father, while B. had to take care of her mother as a little girl.
B.: “I had grown up alone with my mother and she often laid on the couch. It was only later that I understood she had been suffering from depression.”
The feeling of anxiety B. communicated and a tentative to adjust was actually recognized also in their relationship with her mother when as a child she had to perform “filthy jobs”. “That hadn’t been easy for a little girl”, the therapist states. Mother’s depression brought too much harm to the family. This girl always had to do everything in order to feel safe. She did not learn to make boundaries. The better she took care of her mother, the chances grew the mother would become “the real mother” and take care of her in return (be functional for her).

B.: “I don’t see anything in it, but sometimes I have this feeling of being with a big, naughty child instead of being with a grown woman. I have to “take her everywhere by the hand”, sometimes she can’t even make a phone call. And then I say something she doesn’t like and her whole mood instantly changes and whatever I do just doesn’t help.  At times, I am simply afraid of her!”
A.: “You humiliate me when you talk about me this way. I can do anything when I have to, as I have always been able to, so if this is the point, from now on  I’ll do everything on my own”.
Therapist: “B., are you aware in what situations you experience  A. as an adult woman?”
B.: “Yes, the first and foremost is when we make love. Then I can completely let go and feel safe with her”.
Therapist (looking at A.): “And this is exactly the most confusing part of your life, isn’t it?”
A. laughs and nods. Her desire to have B. taking care of her and her fear that people in general would not have compassion for her, are perceived by B.  as repetition of her having to perform “everything”. A. desires to let go and be a sheltered child that receives help for her fears. She  perceives this feeling is reduced when put in a demand of their partnership to take part in sexuality.
Within their relationship A. and B. had difficulties for some time, but have gradually managed somehow to achieve a  better understanding of repeating their individual traumas and  reach personal growth.”

The pain and joy in a person’s life go together with the ties and loyalties one has received through generations; they are affected by the one personally and one’s surrounding. Sometimes loyalties can stand in the way and it seems to would have been much easier without them, although they cannot be removed or torn apart, but it is important to make them visible, to understand them and seek their new form within a partnership. Using psychological assistance means seeking help to make new choices through being aware of one’s intra-psychic reality. Previous experiences are oftentimes painful.

THE PHASES IN A PARTNER RELATIONSHIP

It is necessary for the first session to offer a possibility for each of the partners to express their pain and dissatisfaction with the partnership which  is oftentimes not done  through the mutual exchanges -  the importance of this session being to achieve a situation where they can listen to each other. Do you have space for Her perception, do you know how She is perceiving it? The same argument between the partners is often represented through two experiences (“two sides”). It is important that both perceptions remain/”survive” as a symbol for the fact that it is not dangerous to think differently and that the way She thinks probably will not change. Paradoxically, when you become aware of the previous, YOUR personal experience starts changing immanently.

Entanglement – When lesbians find themselves surrounded by problems, they are often, actually, in the kind of entanglement they mostly perceive as a mutual (relentless) fighting. The only intimacy they still feel is through reacting (should be read: quarrels) on each other.  They are not able to “see” each other clearly. This looks like a hopeless  dance. In such a situation it is not necessary to elaborate upon almost anything about the mutual entanglement in “the struggle” and about the lack of autonomy, these are very obvious.

Individuation – As always in one’s lifetime, here in the next phase of supportive sessions with the counselor, “the job” is to take the history into one’s own hands and in its part that is causing difficulties within the relationship it is necessary to learn how not to repeat it further on with a partner (or to repeat it less). Each partner has her own part of “job” that has to do with her own life and her own responsibility within the interaction with the other one. These sessions  are concerned with primary partners’ families, ex partners and other relevant individuals.

It is of tremendous importance to explore the ways each partner deals with their loneliness and fear of individuation. This resembles a painful drill, the end of which is uncertain. Within this phase partners also become aware of how destructive their tie is. The more content they disclose openly the easier they would define their personal strategy and seek what possible, and achievable.

Gradually, there arises a new situation where partners take over more responsibility for their reactions.

Autonomy – This means to be able to rely on oneself. Here it is about making an effort to become separate, to liberate yourself from the persons you are dependant on and not to lose the tie/thread you have with them. For example, partners can be very different from one another and again not to be threatening or endangering one another, while sometimes it becomes obvious the entanglement is better to be dealt with through ending the relationship. The processes of both partners are rarely synchronized. Sometimes, the decision of not disclosing everything in the sessions or one of the partners abandoning the therapy process can also mean giving up on her part. If the couple has a child or children that they both love and take care of, this process includes also all the possible effects children can suffer.

And eventually, one of the “vicious circles” any relationship can fall into consists of the following: Expectations from the relationship are not communicated  The differences amongst mutual expectations remain “invisible”  The couple does not have a conflict  The event occurs that discloses the expectations  They communicate expectations  Differences in mutual expectations arise  The couple has a conflict  There are no events that would disclose expectations  The expectations about the relationship are not communicated (and by this the circle is complete).  Looks familiar?

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