“No, This Is Not Happening To Me” – (or Violence In Lesbian Intimate Relationships)

Thursday, 06 October 2005 08:54

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“No, This Is Not Happening To Me” – (or Violence In Lesbian Intimate Relationships)
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Violence in intimate relationships in its occurrence, and in understanding of its dynamics is firstly seen in a heterosexual partner relationship where her male partner exposes a woman to violence. This is quite true since when observing the manner in which the woman is treated in the patriarchal society and amid a reality of an everwhelmingly  heterosexual population , most cases reported to different services are described within this context. Above 90% of all violence, perpetuators are persons of male sex and they often direct their violence towards their lawfully married wives. Certainly, not all men are violent nor are all women victims of violence. Practice indicates these parameters based on the sample of regularly reported cases to different non-governmental and state services and concerns persons directly found in the situation of violence where the roles are clearly differentiated with one person perpetuating violence and the other one enduring it – this sample does not cover the general population.  

In order to shed some light on this problem, women non-governmental organizations in our country were and still are the leaders in prevention, education and interventions with partner relationships cases (and wider, domestic violence and sexual abuse of women and children). It is customary for women’s movements in the world to lack sufficient analysis of female offenders, although women are much less represented in offenders’ group than men – their representation and regularities falling under such behavior are looked at after some later phases in the movement’s development occur. This is natural since the primary goal in fighting gender-based violence is the deconstruction of male power, which is deconstruction of the patriarchal society. Prejudices coming from the majority population are that all feminists are lesbians and/or that lesbians are all women that gather around certain public action aimed towards bringing about social change. In reality, according to the well known pattern that is used to marginalize any vulnerable/minority group, and within the term women’s movement “diverse women” such as women of diverse nationalities, religion, physical and intellectual abilities, race, sexual orientation, age etc., put in additional effort in order to get affirmation of the “equal opportunities” principle in practice. This is also the case within the women’s movement. With it, the lesbian sexual orientation and lesbian partner relationships await the proper visibility for a long time. The same situation is in our country. With this, another taboo duration is lengthened – the taboo of violence not existing in lesbian partner relationships.

The assumption that a woman is not violent towards her loved partner in its root starts from assuming women are never violent, as well as another assumption that they are never violent towards other women. This article is an attempt to demystify reality in a partner relationship between two women that is vulnerable to some issues and can be vulnerable in the fact that it has created the space for violence to happen. Existence particularities present in girls and women of lesbian orientation are of invaluable importance in understanding the beginning and occurrence of violence.

The same and the different

This section title puts women as the largest marginalized group under the same roof. Both of them, heterosexuals and lesbians will initially defend from violence with denial and minimizing: “No, this is not happening to me”, “It happened only once”, “It is my fault”, “It’s not a big deal”. These will be followed by the feeling of shame, guilt, low self-esteem, and low self respect: “I’m ashamed to speak about it”, “Why me?”, “Nobody will believe me”, “She mustn’t find out I told it’, etc.

The following are just some of the myths that follow female survivors regardless of their sexual orientation:

-“The cause of violence”, e.g. the violence is caused by drugs and alcohol consumption, stress, history of childhood abuse, inability to control anger and communication problems. The equal is “the cause” that is more adequately named GOAL, regardless of sexual orientation and it is comprised of controlling other person and demonstration of one’s power over other person.
-“Mutuality” – for couples where there is violence is often said that “they are fighting” instead of clarity that one person is exposed to violence while the other is the offender. Often the interpretations of this myth go that violence is the way of communication between the two persons in question or even more emphasized with lesbian relationships in a way that “lesbian relationships are always relationships based on equality”, wanting to stress that lesbian relationships do not entail inequality of sexes as heterosexual do.
-“Violence is inflicted by a physically stronger person”, this is how the behavior of violent men in heterosexual relationships is explained (read: justified), and the physical strength is even listed among the “causes”… Within the lesbian relationships, this myth stigmatizes the target group of those lesbians who authentically practice their relationships through “butch and femme” pattern and the belief of violence occurring only in these relationships is supported.

The effects of violent behavior are the same with all women exposed to violence: self-blame, anger and rage, sleep and eating disorders, the feeling of hopelessness, helplessness, depression, anxiety, inability to relax, avoidance of social situations, “being trained” in satisfying the needs of the person who is inflicting the violence (often repeatition in the following relationships), physical injuries and constant pain in the body, head, etc.

THE PATTERN OF IN LESBIAN INTIMATE RELATIONSHIPS

*In 1986 Barbara Hart gave the definition of violence in lesbian relationships in her book “Naming the Violence: Speaking Out About Lesbian Battering”. Violence represents a pattern of behavior that includes the violence and coercion with which a lesbian intends to control thoughts, beliefs and behavior of her intimate partner or to punish her for resisting. One incident of physical violence, according to this definition, does not give the pattern of beating in lesbian emotional relationships. The physical violence is not beating unless it does result in stronger control of the perpetuator over the victim. Further on the list of strategies/tactics is given and it created the core of the violence pattern.

Emotional/psychological abuse: humiliation, degradation, lying, isolation, and manipulation, withholding important information.
Economical abuse: income control, interfering with employment and education, usage of joint bank account without partner’s permission, accumulation of property in one’s person possession alone, refusal to work while requesting support.
Threats: threats to commit physical and sexual violence or property destruction, threats of violence directed to significant others, stalking, harrasment.
Homophobic control: threats to out the partner to her family, friends, employer, the police, church… “She deserves everything that is happening to her because she is a lesbian”, telling her partner that nobody would believe her because lesbians are not violent, that there is no solution for her within the homophobic world.
Sexual violence: rape, sex on request, denial of sex, forcing to sex with another person, denial of reproductive freedom, usage of degrading sexual language.
Destruction of property: tearing up clothes, breaking household objects, plugging out the telephone, breaking into the apartment and entering, abuse of pets, puncturing the car tires, arson and theft.
Physical violence: attacks with the use of guns, knives, wire, high-heeled shoes, broken bottles, pillows, cigarettes, poison usage; scratching, kicking, hitting, slapping, pushing down the stairs, locking or other ways of punishment, tickling until losing breath or panic strikes; depriving the partner of sleep, warmth and food.

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