INTERNALIZED HOMOPHOBIA IN EACH ONE OF US - Page 5

Saturday, 12 June 2004 12:54

Some real life situations that illustrate the way internalized homophobia can slow down the coming out process:

FEARS OF DISCLOSURE – Two working women are in a long-term emotional partnership. One of them believes that her family knows about her lesbianism. Every time her parents visit with them the other, one moves out to the guest bedroom and the apartment is arranged in such a manner that in no way lesbianism can be observed. The same situation can reoccur when other woman’s parents visit. Both of them believe that their parents perceive them only as good roommates.

UNEASYNESS IN PRESENCE OF “OBVIOUS” LESBIANS – A girl does not like to mingle on the “lesbian scene”, she is concerned that somebody can see her coming in or out of the cafes she heard of being gay meeting places. There is a woman in the company she works for she would rather not be seen together since, “she is so obvious in her looks and behavior that somebody could start adding two and two together”.

REJECTION AND CRITICIZING ALL HETEROSEXUALS (HETEROPHOBIA) – A woman who is actively involved in the lesbian community and is working on the lesbian SOS Hotline rents a flat with another two lesbians. Whenever possible she avoids contact with heterosexual persons and men. She criticizes some heterosexual women she knows because of their relationships with men.

BELIEF THAT LESBIANS ARE NOT DIFFERENT FROM HETEROSEXUALS – A schoolteacher in a small primary school has been living for 15 years with her lesbian partner. They do not socialize within the lesbian community but have many friends, mostly heterosexual, that they regularly visit with. They believe that lesbians show their sexuality far too much and what one does in bed is one’s private business and should not be of anybody else’s concern.

 ATTRACTION FOR INACCESIBLE WOMEN – A girl is in love with her best friend “who is straight”. The friend suggests moving in together and assisting with paying high rent on the apartment. The girl has serious mood shifts. If the friend is OK with her, she feels exhilarated. If the friend ignores her or brings a boy home, she is devastated. The girl believes if she is patient enough her friend will “settle down” and at one point would desire to be with her. The friend seems completely unburdened by any difficulties whatsoever that would concern her own sexuality and appears to be very content with her heterosexuality. (This example can include at one point an open confession of love to a friend after which all runs “as if nothing had happened”.)

“SHORT-TERM RELATIONSHIPS”, VISIBILITY AND POTENTIONALLY HIGHER RISK OF DISCRIMINATION – An employed woman who is working on a well paid position within a firm. She works overtime and has both an exciting job and social life. Just as her new lesbian partner has wished to get to know her better she pretends to be far too much occupied with work to be in a relationship and to prefer to “keep things simple”.

SUPERIORITY CONCERNING HETEROSEXUALS – Two friends who both feel very good about their lesbianism. One of them is in a humanist profession, while other is an artist. They feel very superior within their professions. The first one believes that her lesbianism has enabled her to be more sensitive for human sufferings, and the other considers homosexuals more creative from the heterosexuals. They both think: “We are better because we live harder lives”.

BEING A SINGLE MOTHER AND RAISING A CHILD - A woman, who knows she is a lesbian, decides to enter a marriage with a man because she thinks that a child needs parents of both sexes. Although this partnership has been dysfunctional for a long time, she feels she is not able to leave it, “since, the child needs a father”.